Dare But For Grace Go I

September 10 was world suicide prevention day. I light a candle for all the people who died by suicide. I was especially thinking of my cousin Alison who in 1989 died by suicide at the age of 19.  In the months, weeks prior to her death there were signs that we missed. As the years go by we all rue that we did not see the signs.

I was also thankful for myself that I did not follow through on my darkest day 18 years ago. I was away in the southern United States and in a severe depression. My thoughts were, I am in the middle of nowhere and nobody would care if I ever came back. I sat in a dark hotel room contemplating life and the next move. The TV was on and CNN was showing live coverage of a young boy being reunited with his father. I was numb and mesmerized by this story. Several times I got up and walked to the lobby and the bank of pay phones. I was deciding what to do, who to call. Each time I would come back to the room. They showed the young boy in his father's arms with a huge smile on his face. 

I knew at that moment I wanted to live and I needed to call my father. Part of me was hoping I would get his voice mail. He answered on the third ring and he heard the desperation in my voice and without judgement asked how he could help. He helped by caring and showing that I am valued and worthy.

I look back at that day and it meant that I am worthy, valued and people do care about me. I have not thought about suicide since. Has there been rough patches sure. Depression does that to you.  Depression attempts to take me down the rabbit hole. Depression make me catastrophiz everything when things go wrong, when mistakes happen. Depression beats me up and keeps beating me up. 

I have learned that with awareness and openness and understanding of depression and a positive support network can breed a positive outlook. The lows and depths of depression are not as low or deep and the time frame is shorter. I have learned to value the little things and working on not sweating the small stuff. I have learned that beauty comes in small packages and that one of best ways I can have good mental health is spending time with my grandson.