Sometimes I Am A Fraud

The beauty and curse of being a human being is that we are deeply flawed. We make mistakes and we make the same mistakes over and over again. When this happens we embarrass ourselves and those we are with. I am sorry for my actions.

Case in point, my sweetie and I were playing a friendly game of poker with friends. Our monthly game, a modest 20$ buy in with one rebuy before break if needed. I was playing well when over a couple of hands I let my emotions get the better of me. My anger came out when I lost 2 hands. I said some choice words that I wished I could have back.  

Over what, it was not a life and death situation, it was not for millions. Not that these scenarios give it free reign to be angry. I have a problem that I continue to work on. Thankfully my sweetie calls me on this every time. 

Unfortunately, actions have ripple effects and consequences for bigger implications. I keep on making the same mistakes because the life lesson isn't learned. 

This is why I think I am a fraud. I talk about being kind and positive at every opportunity and when push comes to shove I can't even do it in social settings. My social graces are in need of a makeover. Where do we learn social graces from. It starts at home and spreads out word. 

I used to think that being angry was a family trait. I know now it is learned behaviour and with any learned behaviour it can be changed. It is a process and whenever my anger comes out it affects those around me and those closest to me. I am deeply sorry about this and vow to do better. I need help with this and I will get the required help I need before any more damage is done. I have already ruined one friendship because of this and do not want to ruin the relationships closest to me. My sweetie, her family, and especially my amazing grandson. 

Through pain cones healing. I do not want to continue this path where my anger can rear its ugly head at any moment. I am better than this.